


So This Is What You Meant (When You Said That You Were Spent)

by irwin_giggles



Series: 5SOS bxb Short Stories/One Shots [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: A bit of Cashton (Only if you Squint), A lot - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Fluff, Luke Loves Michael but He Doesn't Want to Admit, Luke and His Boyfriend are Cute But Muke is Cuter, M/M, Michael Loves Luke, Michael is Jealous, Oblivious Luke, Original Character(s), References to Depression, Sad Michael, Touring 5SOS
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-18
Updated: 2017-09-18
Packaged: 2018-12-31 12:50:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12132861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irwin_giggles/pseuds/irwin_giggles
Summary: Michael is sick of seeing everyone in love, Luke not noticing how he feels, and he's completely sick of not feeling okay.OR:Michael may or may not be kind of totally in love with Luke. Unfortunately, Luke doesn't notice until Michael has nearly gone off the edge.





	So This Is What You Meant (When You Said That You Were Spent)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from 'It's Time' By Imagine Dragons. (I LOVE IMAGINE DRAGONS SO MUCH SJBDBD) 
> 
> THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND I HOPE I NAILED IT (I'm sure I did okay because I've definitely had my fair share of anxiety and depression)  
> Hope you guys are doing well! <3

Michael was desperate for his pain to be over. He was desperate for Luke's love. It had gotten to the point where it was so hard for him to get out of bed in the morning, that he'd just started waiting for Luke to come and pull him from under his blankets. 

His name was Jax. Jax was Luke's boyfriend, and from what Michael could tell, Luke was _happy._ Happier than Michael had ever seen the blond, and who would Michael be to want anything different for his best friend? He loved Luke to death. He should just swallow his feelings, ignore them and pretend to be happy for Luke. Well, he's been trying. He's been doing that for a while now.

  
The truth was, Michael was running out of fake enthusiasm and fake laughs and fake smiles. He was finding it harder and harder to fake anything that made him seem even slightly happy. Of course, he had chatted to Ashton about it first. The older boy had experienced it first hand after all. Ashton had told him that he needed to get help, to take the extra step to get better. Then he'd told him that if he ever needed to talk, that he was there. Michael was going to take advantage of that right then and there because he knew if he just simply thanked Ashton and left, then he wouldn't have the guts to come back. In the end, he'd make excuses for himself, saying that he shouldn't bother Ashton with his issues when he knew very well that Ashton would drop anything to talk to the redheaded boy.

 

So, Michael vented. He let out the stress that he'd been holding in for a half a year, telling Ashton about his depression and how he was struggling just to get out of bed and run a brush through his hair and across his teeth. He tells Ashton about how he's gotten so anxious that he's bitten his nails down to bloody stubs, and how his fingers throb dully when he presses them against the strings of his guitar. He tells him about how everything has been _so hard_ , and how most of the time he's fighting to suppress the terror that claws icily at his throat and chest, how he always wants to cry, how his head is so messed up, how he's dizzy and can hardly breathe sometimes. How he's so, _so_ tired.

Ashton tells him, "No homo.'', and wraps his arms tightly around the younger boy's torso. A small, sniffly laugh makes it out of his mouth, but it's the first genuine laugh that he's had in a while now. It's a relief. It's a relief to feel Ashton's strong, warm arms around his body. It's a relief to let everything out and Ashton lets him cry for a bit.

  
"Oh my God, Michael. I'm so sorry! I had no idea it was this bad, please, please promise me you won't let it get this bad next time. God, Michael. Just talk to me. Please." Ashton unwraps his arms from around Michael and thumbs away his tears.

 

Michael loves Ashton, so much. He didn't know what he had done right to deserve the boy as a best friend. 

Michael looks back on it now, and he realizes that one of the only moments he hadn't felt like he was dying inside was that moment with Ashton. He wished he could go back and relive it for just one more moment, Just feel normal again. 

 

Jax keeps coming around more and more, and Michael wants to be happy, he really does. But he can't. It definitely sucks having feelings for your bandmate and best friend.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Shows are getting hard now. Michael is very tired now, and the truth is that he doesn't have the same kind of energy he used to onstage. He wishes he could deliver the fans what they truly deserve, but he's already running himself ragged. His nerves are all over the place, and it makes him feel like he isn't in control of himself. He feels so small, so unimportant. He just feels like another guy that sings awfully in a band, plays guitar and makes heart eyes at one of his band members.

 

He feels so cliche, to put it simply. And to make it even worse, Luke shares a hotel room on the regular with Michael now. The blond never spends time with him, always wanting to see Jax. Michael has learned to despise anything that has to do with that name. Luke always apologizes for leaving Michael by himself, promising that at their next stop that he'll spend loads of time with the redhead. That promise is almost always broken.

  
Michael has mastered the art of shoving his face into his pillow and sobbing silently. He just lays there and cries until his eyes are so dry that he can't even make any more tears. And then he closes his eyes and tries to sleep. 

 

It's not like he gets much, anyway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Michael can't do it anymore. He's feeling so frail as if he'll fall apart if another wave of emotions overcome him. Everyone is noticing. The fans, his bandmates, even management is noticing. That's really funny because they have a real knack for not caring how the boys feel at all and forcing them into things. Michael wants to be done. Done with this tour, done with this pain, done with everything. Thank God there are only two shows left. Michael tells himself that he can do it. He has to do it. That night, Michael doesn't share a room with Luke. He sleeps better knowing that the blond that Michael wants so badly isn't snoring softly right across from him. So close, but unattainable. At least not in the way Michael wants.

 

He wakes up the next morning and just lays. He doesn't have any more strength to push himself out of his bed again. Just as he decides he's officially doomed, he hears a soft knock on his hotel door. Michael says a mumbled, hardly audible "Come in." slip out of his mouth before Luke opens the door and slips into his hotel room, rather hesitantly. Weird, Michael must have forgotten to lock his door. His anxiety wouldn't of let him sleep if he had remembered he was supposed to lock it and didn't.

 

Luke looked so beautiful. But what's new? The boy almost always took Michael's breath away. 

"Hi, Mikey. You don't look so good, babe. I brought you a coffee from the cafe down on the first floor." 

"Thank you so much, Luke. I know I don't look good, I just haven't been feeling very good lately." Michael yawns, groggily opening his emerald eyes.

 

Luke almost coos at the sight of a cute, cuddly and sleepy Michael.

"I need to talk to you, Michael," Luke says, looking at Michael with sad, puppy dog eyes.

Those were exactly the words that Michael hoped Luke wouldn't mutter out.

 

"About what, exactly?" Michael asks cautiously.

"Michael, don't get defensive on me. You haven't been yourself lately. I'm really worried about you." Luke's face is very solemn, and Michael gulps.

 

"I thought no one noticed..." Michael says quietly, looking down.

Luke looks alarmed, and then he looks like he might cry.

 

"Don't you dare think that no one has noticed, everyone has Michael. And I mean _everyone_." Luke's eyes are staring straight into Michael's, and his intense gaze is knocking the breath out of the redhead's lungs. God knows, he didn't need any help with that.

 

"It's just... Ashton has been too busy falling in love with Bryana and you keep running off with Jax and you don't even spend time with me anymore and.. Calum's been the only one around, and even he doesn't help too much, and God, Luke. All I want to do is sit down and actually have a proper conversation with you. And laugh, and have arguments over stupid stuff, and cuddle like we used to when we were little fetuses. Back when nothing got in the way of us, it was just Luke and Michael."

 

Without warning, Luke slams his chest into Michael's, hugging him warmly and stuffing his cool nose into the crook of the redhead's neck. 

"Michael, I am so sorry. I've abandoned you, I - 'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I wish I would've just sat down and talked to you and laughed with you and I wish I wouldn't have let you get so bad. I wish I would've noticed sooner and told you how much you mean to me. Oh my God, Michael, you mean the world to me, please don't ever forget that. Everyone loves you, Michael. How could they not?"

 

A sob gets caught in Michael's throat, and Luke is basically sitting on Michael with his legs on either side of the redhead's torso. Michael can feel a warm, wet liquid slide down his neck and hit the sweatshirt he was wearing to hide how much weight he's lost. Michael is full on sobbing now, gathering the back of Luke's shirt into his own fists and burying his face in the blond hair. 

 

Luke sighs out, and he pulls away from Michael, wiping away his tears.

"Oh, tell me what went wrong Michael."

So he did. He told Luke everything. Well, everything except the him-loving-Luke part. He would gladly leave all of that out.

  
By the end, Luke was the one crying. He couldn't stop apologizing, even though Michael told him again and again that it was okay, that he was busy and he wasn't required to keep an eye on his adult best friend who could take care of himself. Luke wasn't hearing any of it.

 

Luke pulled away, at last, cupping Michael's face in his hands.

"Michael, I love you. Like, I love you. More than I love anyone in the world."

And then Luke presses his lips to Michael's. 

 

The redhead sighs into the kiss. It was sweet and soft, and it tasted like coffee and donuts and cinnamon and it just tasted so **_Luke._**

When Luke pulls away, Michael smiles the biggest smile that he ever had in his entire life. 

"Luke. I love you too. So, so much. I have for a long time now. I just wish that we could've sorted this out sooner. I wouldn't want this any other way Luke, I only want you."

 

Michael frowns softly.

"Luke, what about Jax?" Michael asks with a twist of hurt on his face.

"Don't worry about it, Jax and I have it figured out. He was busy with work and he never had much time left over for me, and let's just say, he found out pretty fast about how I felt about you. He's perfectly okay." Luke winks, smiling at Michael.

"Oh, thank God," Michael says in relief.

"I have to help you get better, Michael. You need help. You've lost so much weight and your smile doesn't reach your eyes anymore, and out of anyone else, I want to be the one to help you. As best as I can, of course, I'm not a professional." Luke smiles, interlocking his fingers delicately with Michael's.

 

"I'm ready Luke, I know I am."

 

 

 


End file.
